“How It All Began “        When I was 18 years old I hung-out with my friend; We would play guitar, watch a movie And talk for hours about music, life and God Then my family moved away My dad started pastoring at SBBC About 60 miles away from Kerrville The place where I grow up I ended up moving back to K-Ville Without any money and without a car But I had a band and we had dreams We were going to make it big in the music scene All the while I knew the odds were against me And I would say, “Lord your will be done” I needed a car to have a job I needed a job to have a car I was looking to God to work things out while doing my part by filling out the apps. Despite my effort MickyDees And Wally-world would not hire me And praise the Lord the nursing homes Which my Grandpa took me to had nothing to do With the man with long hair, sideburns And thick black plastic glasses All the while I knew the odds were against me But I said “Lord, Your will be done” While I was there I got chronic fatigue I lost all physical, mental and emotional energy For the first time I felt heavy and numb I felt the weight of depression It was not long and our drummer split Then the whole band called it quits Back with my family is where I went With a peace that His will was done When I returned home My sister came down for my dad’s birthday She was telling me how God’s heart is so lovely The things she said did churn in me  I did not feel I had intimacy with God whatever that means And that is where is all began

I am the son of a southern Baptist pastor, so there really is no reason to add that I grew up in a Christian home. I think it was when I was five that I wanted to eat the Styrofoam wafer and drink the shot of grape juice which was forbidden. I learned I could not have this cool snack until I prayed the “sinners prayer” and got baptized, so I suppose it was then that I became a “Christian”. I must say the Baptist have something going here, I doubt I am the only one out there with this testimony. :)      While growing up I was schooled at home and was anything but normal, I was a disturbingly strange kid. For example I actually wanted to be fat, and I got what I wanted and would brag about my weight to the visitors of my dad’s church… Well, that was until I reached the age of girl consciousness. Fortunately enough for me during my junior “stupidity” high years I was too shy to pursue any of girls. I was like the nerd on those sitcoms, who does not understand the jokes, dresses funny, and would fall backwards if a girl approached him, stumbling for words and unable to answer if a girl asked him a question. AS I think about it now, I just grin and shake my head in awe that this was me… I mean it is hard for me to believe how retarded I was.      Yeah I was the kid who was picked last for the basketball and football teams, who could not find anyone to be my partner in those field games and then the poor person who got paired with me looked horrified. Yet, Looking back I suppose my obesity and weirdness was a good thing; for few live like Christians during their teen years and if I was accepted by my peers; I too would have easily become a selfish, girl seeking, materialistic, American dream pursuing “Christian”. For by nature I am a "conformer” and like play-doh I would have easily been pressed into the typical cultural mold, yes, the one which I now protest.    During the latter half of my teen years, my sister and I become close friends. I believe it was her relationship with God that was the main catalyst for positive changes in my life. I remember how she would want to pray about everything and of course I would agree when asked to pray with her, but she would just pray and pray and pray and I would look at my watch and wonder “how long it will it be until she stops?!”. But I could not justify how uncomfortable I felt; she had a life that was foreign to me. Her passion for God shined a light on how I had no passion at all for God. I had yet to truly taste and see that He is good. I remember laying my head on the pillow night after night thinking, "I did not think of God today, I'll try to do better tomorrow" and then the next night I would have the same thought.  I really begin to wonder what relationship with an invisible God is, I could not feel Him, see Him, hear Him. I could not get excited about Him, I did not feel like I loved Him and did not know how.  I think coming to grips with my lack has created a hunger and thirst for righteousness that has lead me on a journey searching for understanding, insight, eternal perspectives, self-control, abundant life and the knowledge and fear of God.  I understand how the excess of pleasure, power and possessions that the world offers is temporary, addicting, short lived, empty and meaningless. Therefore, no matter how much my faith is tested, I see nowhere else to turn.      The content of this website is raw, honest and real. If you are not a Christian, you may wonder why I still am, considering the questions I raise, if you are a believer, you may very well wonder if I am saved. A risk I am willing to take. For one thing I have been learning is that what I experience, though rarely spoken of, may be a more common experience for believers then I once thought. It has been healthy for me to let it out, remove the masks and be real. Life does not seem to be as black and white as people make it, formulas don’t always work. God is mysterious and often does not work how we think He ought to.     I hope within this site you find comfort and encouragement. I invite you to feel with me, ponder life, and try to find understanding and truth, amiss the temporal realities that seem to contradict what God says is true in the Scriptures.     The website is a collection of my art with their meanings, short writings & devotionals, music & poetry that compliment the art and writings. If you are ADD, you should love it!