When I am spiritually alive, able to pray and willing to to witness to strangers, it is easy to wonder if I'm just a product of my mood; because a day or two later or a few hours for that matter, who I am can change. I can go from really caring to not giving a crap about anything. I don't find His strength in my weakness, and if I do have a new pure heart, it is asleep. It's like I'm a puppet; when I'm my happy self, I am fine, but when the spiritual fatigue takes control of the strings I am limp in his arms. The will, strength and ability to live how I want to is taken out of my hands, 'til he finally drops the strings and the happy mood takes over.
Click to stop
When i'm fatigued and have a job I must do, I have to force myself to clinch my teeth, roll my eyes and trudge forward, dragging behind me that part of me that stubbornly refuses to do anything and that other part of me that is kicking and screaming in defiance.
My good character qualities, that I thought were in concrete, to my horror are more like a leaf in late fall.
Yesterday, my work ethic must have had a heat stroke; I could not find the will to do anything. I had to force myself to get out of the truck and walk up the steps and give a pep talk to my back and arms before they would bend down and pick up the tool... Every move was torturous. The type of motivation needed to jump out an airplane or eat a slug or a pig's brain, was needed to drunkenly stumble forward.
It is unreal how all this is a chemical reaction to certain preservatives and flavor stimulants. (Before I knew what caused it, I went months in this disabling frame of reality. When under the influence of whatever it was, a project would take me twice as long and I would only get half the amount of work accomplished and every tick of the clock would scream and a continual temper tantrum waged in my member until I would quit. Very rarely could I endure this. In my mind, I would hear an unending chant: “I just can't do this anymore, I can't... So stop! You must stop...!”)
I personally know how allergic reaction to food can change how we think and feel and I wish I could learn something as a result of this observation. It also disturbs me how medications can change our cognitive and emotional state and how a mental illness could turn us into a totally different person. I don't like that. Even who I am, the real me, could change in a moment.
A beautiful girl who prides herself in staying fit may subconsciously look down upon woman who are obese because she exercises self-control and eats right, But let's say by chance this girl starts suffering from depression and is put on a medication that weakens her metabolism and greatly increases her appetite and causes her to feel weak and fatigued. In a blink she find her pants no longer fit and will have to go shopping for larger clothes. Her former self-control and will-power no longer is enough. She now finds herself a puppet to something stronger then her own self-control. Just like a strong athlete will find a 104 temperature exerting more power then his normal drive to exercise.
There are often deeper reasons to our issues. Often it is not as simple as “just doing it.” The girl in this illistration at first had a normal metabolism and appetite, and though it still required effort, a strong will and self-control, it was fully possible for her to stay fit. The problem is our will-power and self-control is only designed for normalcy. And all humans are prone to sickness. The problem is those who are emotionally healthy often judge and feel superior to those who don't seem to have self-control and the will to do what is best. But this prideful person may in a short matter of time get “sick” himself and find he is no better and no stronger. It is when people come to grips with this, that they often look for help, for they are controlled by something mysterious and overpowering.
When I am spiritually healthy, my self-control and my motivation is like a car full of gas ready to be driven; but when chronic fatigue sucks me like a leech, I am like a Chevy with a hole in its gas tank . Though I had self-control, I now find myself out of control, a mere puppet on a string. Indeed I have volumes written on this; years I have been journaling trying to gain understanding. Just recently I was normal--and though it still required effort, I was able to be disciplined and was doing quite well. Now I am spiritually sick. The sickness has devastated me and I lie there complaining until I become unwilling to stay bedridden forever; so I tumble out of bed, writhe in pain, and wonder how I am going to make it to the bathroom.
Someone with horrible chronic pain may seem very irritable and not feel up to anything...but eventually they learn to live with the misery, and hopefully grow in inner strength, stop complaining; and though it is not easy, act kindly. But when they are stressed and overwhelmed, even that new inner strength they have gained will no longer be enough, and they lash out at others, just like a pressure cooker left too long will explode.
We are all like puppets. Something beyond us pulls us this way and that. But as we learn right from wrong, as we try to resist and pull against the mysterious magnetism toward the wrong direction, as we persevere and endure; we will finally become stronger than the mood, or the circumstances, or whatever it is that controls us. The strings still remain attached to us, however; meaning that if we get distracted in dealing with other issues, we will likely get pulled right back into the anger, laziness or addiction--and often in the very areas we feel strongest in. It is because no string has ever been attached there, but some misfortune happens, and our hands will be tied and we will be strung up, finding we really were not strong in that area at all; we just did not have any opposition.