Half of my substance to others sown
Eyes diverted from what shouldn't be shown
Diligence and sweat, though all alone
Obedience and submission, though no one did know
The hearts outlook was outward
Hope tagged along with melancholy like a little loyal dog
There was a reverence, a fear of God, a simple trust
There was a joy, an innocence, an ignorance,
I was childish and naive, Oh how little did I know
I though I would continue growing
Or at least keep what I had
I Didn't know I was walking a tightrope
One misstep and I would be an invalid
I don't know exactly how it happened or if it can be undone
but its clear that I'm a different man from ten years past
It seems like erosion, what once was is now gone
Not like a house that was blown down,
which can be propped back up


My branches stripped, no fruit exist
In a deep hibernation my spirits insentient
As is my precious motivation to persist
It has also sunk into a comatose state
Worlds shifts, a renaissance, a rebirth
New buds clothe every limb like a king
I take steps to transfigure, to change
My will revived, optimism flourishes in me
Hopes deterred makes the heart sick
New life buckles under the oppressive heat
All my good intentions like flowers wither
As an endless drought swallows and devours
Cooler breezes continue to blow
And I begin to slow, resign and surrender
A peaceful indifference envelopes me
As the last leaf falls from the tree
And on it goes, an endless cycle,
forever I am walking in circles
All these years I've gotten nowhere
For the will to change Is like a rechargeable battery 
It takes 11 months to charge,
and within one, its completely drained.

"Cobwebs and Cockroaches"

Right now I stare at this horrid empty room
The walls are so bare
There is no pictures of You anywhere
The books have been boxed and shipped
To who knows where
There is nothing to do here

There is no color, there is no music
There is no chair, there is nothing inviting here
Just cobwebs and dead cockroaches on the floor
And a haunting reminder that this was once home
I once lived here

Now I don't even know how to think of You
That art is totally lost
Old thoughts have all flown away
My mind like a computer has cashed
And I am left with nothing,
And I fear it can't be restored.

I want to be able to think of You
I want there to be something new about You
That I can get excited about
I want to be captivated
I want to be liberated so I can sing You praise
But that part of me is empty
I've not been there for so long
that part of me is empty


I gouged out one eye
Only to start using the other
I chopped off both hands
Only to start using my teeth
Once I am totally dismembered
My mind still ran about doing misdeeds
Evidently I need someone to rip out my heart
And replace it with one that functions properly

So... How bought it Lord?
Why not go for the heart of the problem?

I once thought heart surgery was your thing
But every time I go to the ER
You always end up being busy
Its hard for me to see how it profits you
To leave me with my progressive disease
I'd tried to do the operation myself
But well... its hard since I'm an amputeetee


Go ahead, I really don't mind
Pour your cup of cold water
On the fire within me as it rages
Its the thought after all that counts

But Oh that God would show the same concern
And say to the destruction "Enough"
Sending forth a soaking rain
To quench the flame within me


If I only knew that the strokes I was painting would become my reality,
Then I would not have brushed in such dark and murky shades

I gradually submerge into the mirage of which I once spoke
The reprobate illusions took form and now I am wast deep

The songs I wrote now waft from Pied Piper's flute
and I am in lock step with the subjugating melodies

Is this indelible night because I complained that dawn would never come?
Did my moans caused the earths rotation to slow down like a top?

God, I but had a thought of bars, and now they grew up and surround
Oh Lord is there a kill switch? Can I step out of this matrix?


I want to get entangled with what is my undoing
I want to find life in what will only take it
I want to give in though there is no way out
I want to flirt with the enemy
though I know she'll destroy me
If not for these fetters
I would gladly take the poison and drink
Despite of these chains my heart reaches
Through the bar wishing she would embrace me
For i am under her spell
Enchanted by her charm
If she handed me a bowl
i would gladly sell my soul
without a second thought
As if it was no big deal
To be eternal damned
For what can't even fulfill
I know i'm here God though as if in the third person
Oh I ask that you might perhaps show some pity
If only I could see again clearly
If only I could wake up sober and free
Oh God, please God, Please

“No Relationship At All”

I took the pain and put it in a box
Secured it in tape and clothed it in wrapping paper
I put on it a bow so I would have something nice to show
But there are more senses than sight
Though behind masking tape I can make him hide
It all does little to suppress subtle shakes and sighs
A 1,000 miles on a journey to an imagined somewhere
Pathed in hope, plenty of billboards promising the world
Constantly encouraged by motivational speakers on the radio
But I arrived to a closing door and the sound of locks
Now I back-track upon a road now littered in pot holes
And I listen to a talk show host saying "see, I told you so"
A thousand miles on a journey to another dead end road
So many pieces all seemed to keep falling in placed
That i found myself tempted, wanting to believe it was providence
I mean surely it would take mighty hand of God to make it all line up
But I suppose i must have had a picture in my mind
So no surprise that I arranged colorful shapes to please my eyes
Only to learn it was nothing but merely randoms pieces with no relationship at all


Fonder? What God are you kidding me?
Absence makes my heart grow harder
Silence is like lack of water for a flower
Its far more likely to make it wither
Then to cause it to grow stronger
Our communication was folded into a paper airplane
And thrown away and carried further by a breeze
The return flight has repeatedly been delayed
I've now left the cellphone lot after waiting there for weeks
So yeah God, i can't say I like how distant you tend to be
It would not be so bad if you were not my spirits battery
I've laid upon this floor motionless for so many weeks
knowing the moment you return I could get back on my feet
I feel I'm left with nothing but the dry memories
There is no more affection or joy for you within me
Instead of concrete pleasant realities
you're now more like vague and foggy dream
oh Lord how long?
Will you neglect me forever?
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