Prayer
It feels safer to think of prayer as if it was in the same category as sharing my wants and desires with a friend, who, though they listen, are not really able to do anything about it, most of the time that is.

We hear God will only do what is the highest and best, well fine. But does it not seem that 99% of the time, the scriptural revealed will of God is like a square block and God's hidden mysterious will is like a triangle hole. No matter our effort, it will not fit. Though God loudly proclaims that He strongly desires what we ask Him for, we seem to overlook the fact that He will not do it until the perfect time and under the right conditions. This is the aspect of God's ways that are higher then ours and we are hopeless to ever know it.

Prayer is like being at a carnival and standing behind the line and throwing the bean bags through the holes in the board for prizes. God's 'mysterious will' is like the smallest hole at the top of the plywood and the chances of us ever actually making into it are so slim, so most of our prayers are just going to bounce off and fall to the floor. We can spend countless hours trying and never make it in once. It is easy to give up after a while.

God you have so many conditions, it seems we could never meet them all, but I guess it's not loving to help us until we meet the right conditions. You believe in tough love, so I must be content with waiting, living in defeat, falling over and over and seeing lives of those I love suffer spiritually.

Hmm... One thing I got to see is I'm not entitled to crap; I deserve nothing, God is not obligated to give me squat. Oh and yet Lord you do not have a shortage of power; your pocket book does not feel strained when You give us grace. God you have enough for everyone and then some... an infinite sum. Oh God why do you have to be so freaking proper?

Oh Lord it seems prayer does not move You; You are going to do what you are going to do, whether we pray or not. I know this is not scriptural at all, but it is still my experience and whether or not it is bull-crap, the eyes that now takes things in, evolved from the primordial slime of what I've seen and experienced through out life. I don't know how to gouge them out, I need surgery, I need a new perspective: a new set of lenses, a paradigm shift.

When I pray, I cannot expect anything unless I have the supernatural intuition, that special "knowing" within me. This has only happened a few times in my life and those prayers where always answered. Its obvious that it was not my great faith, it just so happened that God showed me something He was about to do and allowed me to get to be part of it. The frustrating thing is I could count all the times this has happened on one Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's hand.

Prayer is like shooting arrows during a pitch-black moonless night, the chances of us even hitting the target is SO small. God will God respond if we hit the target? No, we must hit the bullseye. A couple of times in my life as I mentioned, God turned the lights on and I've made precision hits. But for reasons unknown to me, God was quick to blot out my sun less I see his will in other areas. I guess if God wants me to shoot in the dark I must continue, the problem is some of the arrows are going up and fall down; piercing my mind, poisoning my hope, crushing my faith, causing me to bleed frustration, disillusionment, disappointment and cynical feelings. No wonder prayer is so difficult for me.
Years and I'm still like water
No mater where I start
I always fall the easiest way
To the lowest parts

No matter if I go the noble way
No matter if I take others along with me
All roads lead to the same destination
All paths dead-end to the
same lonesome place

This stagnant pool is getting old
Maybe I should just stop thinking

I try to pray for others
And I try to think about God
Only to blink and I find myself
Asking for what I think I am needing
Which makes my heart sink
like a par of glasses in the ocean
For I am still blind
God has yet to give me clarity
He has left me dependent and weak
And won't provide what I need

Like a boy asking his mom for a cookie
And she says no time and again
After the 20th time of asking
and still no cookie
Why should he keep persisting?

But I am not asking for cookies!
I am begging God to live through me
To write His laws upon my heart
And to be my life, my will,
my motivation and energy

They tell me to stop trying and start trusting
They tell me to let go and let God
I stopped trying and my life goes to pot
I let go and I fell to the depths
And yet if I try, I still get nowhere
If I hold on I am, just left hanging
So yeah I am stuck between these two options
But God has left me waiting

He is my only solutions
But it seems He is not listening
He is the only way
But He has yet removed the road blocks
He is the only truth
But He has yet let it set me free
He is the only life
But He seems reluctant
to make it evident to me

Sometimes God shines upon me
and I rise towards Him
Other times the water just evaporates
And all this just fades and evades my mind
Oh but one day I will no longer be like water,
And the old will disappear down the drain
Lord did you not say that those who have faith
would do what You did and even greater things?
That you would do for us whatever we asked?
That if we have faith nothing is impossible for us?

The preacher said this is true
That God meant it then and He means it now

But to fully embrace this is like
believing the moons made out of blue cheese
These scriptures make me wonder if I am saved
So I find I tend to push them away--forgive me

But honestly what the heck am I to do?
Reality seems to scream they are wrong
And that God does what He wants despite of us
And that no measure of faith is strong enough
To pry open His hand

God seems more likely to give us a huge mansion
Luxurious cars and the finest toys
Then to write his laws on our hearts
And save us from our sin
Maybe the prosperity gospel nut jobs
Are not as wrong as I thought!

So what about signs and wonders?
What about healing power and miracles?
What about about the power that raise Jesus from the dead
That is suppose to give us dominion over sin?

Doing nothing gets us nowhere
Despite Your unconditional love
Trying gets us nowhere
For we cannot earn your grace
Praying gets us nowhere
Which leaves me wondering what else is there to do!

Oh they say we receive whatever that means
That there is nothing I can do
Because it is all of grace

But wait, but wait! I am not seeing any sign of power
Is that not a sign that somehow I must be good enough?
Oh but wait, but wait! I can't be holy without his power
So that puts me between a rock and a hard place

I lay my head against this wall called doing nothing
I then go bang my head against the wall called striving
All the while I am rotting in this prison cell called self
"I'm not asking
          for cookies"
This simple drawing is a picture of what I desire in prayer, but,,,
When I try to pray for others or myself, I often I find myself like water falling down into the mysterious abyss expressed in these two songs and my confused mind and hurt heart start sewing my mouth close, shutting down any further efforts to pray. Since, God does not seem interested in helping me in the most important aspects of life, its hard to pray for others .
If you are so passionate in your love for me
Wanting a intimate relationship
If you take the initiative and you pursue
If you continually think about me
And want me to be free from myself

Then...

Why do I ask and nothing?
Why do I pray and nothing?
Why do I believe and nothing?
Times corroding my faith
Why do I beg and nothing?
Why do I plead and nothing?
Why do I cry and nothing?
Times eroding my hope into nothing

Lord if you want me then pursue
Lord if want me then here I am
I feel I am running out of options
And you are playing hard to get
God its so hard to pray that you would do for her
What you still refuse to do for me

I try to think of what I can say
Suggested lines walk by my mental gaze
But every word is shot down without mercy

I try to force a few words out
But they are violently pulled back
by that part of me that feels
There is nothing you will do
That there is nothing I can trust you to do
By that part of me that fears
That you just don't care
That there's no way I can get you to hear

God what is wrong...
Whats going on?

I am tired of the band-aid
Why is that all you'll give?
Can't you heal me fully?

All the answers fall terribly short
And the pain killers eventually fade
Leaving me once again, disillusioned

God do you care?
Are you there?
What is wrong?
What is going on?
Click To Continue
I've prayed, I've begged, I've wept, I've been diligent and I've even been disciplined at times in my life. I've been prayed over, I've heard prophecies over me, I've gone up to the alter, but still He seems to refused to save me from myself. So I don't know what to do. 8 years of seeking God and I still have yet to find what I am looking for. What I want is freedom from myself and liberty to do what He commands. I want Him to write His laws on my heart and give me the fear of God. Oh that He would give me grace and power and fill me with His Holy Spirit. How can I share the gospel and tell others about freedom, when I've yet to experience the liberty promised?
"Every try to throw a feather?"

Have you ever tried to throw a feather?
Have you gotten it to go far?
Likewise words without substance
Don't make the distance to Your ears
No they float to the floor and are trampled under foot

For words must be birthed in their proper time
Or else they come out as a still born, as a miscarriage

Do my prayers make it to Your ears?
Do my words fall lifeless to the floor?