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Romantic attraction seems to be so shallow and short lived. We can have an attraction for someone whom we would never be able to find lasting friendship, romantic attraction is often built on only a few things which blinds us to reality, it is like holding a small pebble so close to our eyes that we cannot see the mountain that is in front of us.
Genuine friendship just seems so much deeper, meaningful and real. It is not based on a fleeting fickle feeling. It would mean more to me if someone was attracted to me as a friend, then if hardly knowing me they "were in love" with me. Because I realize that kind "love" ain't going to last long at all. A good marriage relationship must be built on more then that.
Oh but here is what this kind of mindset has brought me. Well, let's put it this way, my chances of getting married are slim, because my love for a girl would keep me from taking the risk of hurting her. Because if letting her know that I am "in love" would likely cause her to feel tricked, like I had a hidden agenda all along, and the real reason for my friendship was that I had a shallow romantic affection. I have had friends whom I later found out they were ONLY friends because they had "feelings" for me, but as their attraction faded so did their friendship, and this stinks.
I cannot help but get those silly thoughts and feelings every now and then wondering if a friend is a "possibility" and I feel this cheapens everything. And if I ever was to pursue a "relationship" with a friend, then my expressing my "love" would not make them happy at all, but rather upset them and make them feel betrayed. AHHH, I have had friends, with whom I did not have any hidden agenda, but then all of the sudden out of the blue I find that I am "falling in love" and I cannot help but see these feelings as an enemy. they just haunt me at times and I hate it. I almost feel like to ever tell a girl I had "feelings for her" would be the greatest insult. Man, I'm doomed.
Most of the people with whom I connect the most are scattered throughout the world, and are all so busy and have their own lives and friends. In this drawing, these are my “square” friends, who fit in my square shaped whole, but they are all busy elsewhere, and because of who I am; my not wanting to invade their space, or force myself into their lives without their welcome. there is a chasm that keeps me from pursuing them more then I do. Only after I learn that they long for friendship just like me, can I be free to pursue them.
It is interesting how I have friends I can call once a year, others every six months, others once a month and a couple who I can call every other week. I do not feel welcomed to call them anymore then this, somehow under the surface is a whole world of boundaries and limits, that I do not consciously set. They just are. Some friends I can talk an hour before I reach that point where I feel I must say good bye, no matter how much I was enjoying the conversation. I feel to talk anymore would be exceeding the limit. Some people the limit is fifteen minutes, and I begin to wonder why I even stay in touch. Most of my friends never call or write me, until recently I have been blessed to meet some friends with whom I feel welcome to call everyday, and when time permits we can talk for several hours. It is interesting to note that with one, it was having a conversation on this very subject that broke all the limits and barriers, I learned that he was like me in this area and was longing for a consistent friendship.
While at a retreat, I met some really neat people and had great conversations, but I knew it would not be possible to make any of it last, they were soon to go their own ways. And as I thought about it, it is like time and space has separated most all of my friendships. Friendship starts with a meaningful conversation, but then steps down to good times but one always seeing the time and saying they need to get going and then it moves on to an occasional short talk or myspace comment every month, and suddenly I notice we have had no contact for over a year. It is like I was in a boat and talking with someone on a dock, and turned back to fish and the boat drifted and when I noticed, I was a mile down stream and it would be far too much effort to go against the current to get back and there is a good chance they will not even be there anymore.
After being attracted to a girl for two years, waiting for her to finish college before I pursued her, I learned that she had started dating another guy. This was like a lightning strike that turned off the electricity, so that the blender that was plugged in but had no 'off' switch, was finally turned off and I who was wandering blindly out in the rain could wander back in and find my head and see things clearly again.
You take a Pebble and hold it in front of one eye
And squint and bring it into focus
So you never have to see that big mountain
In front of you called reality
On the pebble is a word and the word is happy
And everything seems so happy as you walk along
Until you trip and fall head first into the
mountain called reality
Then you crawl and search for the pebble
That flew when you fell, but it cannot be found
And with a bloody nose you look at the Mountain
In front of you called reality
And you feel sad
Cuz you can't find your pebble
And you feel so mad
It is nowhere to be found
Oh you feel so sad
How you need your pebble
Oh you will be mad
Till you find that pebble.
Something dawned on my today. And that is why I dislike romantic attraction so much. The reason is it creates something like a thirst, which brings a sense of discomfort till it gets what it desires. Though we can forget about being thirsty for periods of time, it will always be there and at times seem unbearable. Now when I am thirsty water tastes so much better, and in that sense it is a blessing, for our felt lack makes whatever we desire that much more pleasurable. But imagine being thirsty but never getting anything to drink? Well, because of many reasons I have never pursued a girl whom I was attracted to, so I have only experienced the lack and discomfort. No wonder I dislike it so much! I would so love for God to remove the silly attractions from me forever. But if I ever am to pursue a girl and to get married and experience that thirst being fulfilled, I would likely think differently about it all.
"My Oh My what have I become?
Why Oh Why did I have to let these feelings dwell?
I do not, I do not like the thirst it creates
Only you, only you can fill it, only you
My Oh My, I feel I can't pursue that which I thirst
That's why, that's why it has become such a curse
I do not, I do not like that it will not die
Must I let you know, and you say "no" so it can be killed?
But even once it is dead, the corpse will lie in my head
And I will remember it is there as long as we are friends
And things may never be the same, that's a risk
I just don't want to take
Ironically it seems some of the people I do not connect with are the very ones that take effort to keep in touch with me. For reason unknown to me, when I talk with them, I shrivel up, my mind is blank, the conversation seems awkward and I cannot think of any questions to ask. When they call and leave a message I call them back, but it is never on my priority list. I sadly feel unable to connect with them, there is a chasm between us. I continue to try to be friendly and I'm amazed that they enjoy my friendship for I don't really feel like I have anything to give, cause I don't know how.
While I drown in delusion
She throws me another rope
Keeping the deception afloat
And the far-fetched notion
That she'll do it again, alive
Cold, this water is cold as ice
And I thought I was ready to die
But I won't go under, I keep breathing
And searching the horizon
That's as level as north Texas
Yet I keep looking for her to save me
So I can keep this cycle going
Though it needs a watery grave
I thought I was growing
i thought I was a little more mature
I knew that this fog surrounding me
Was the reason I could not see
And though its effecting how I feel
It can't change what I believe
Because I keep trudging through it
Until I can finally see
imagine if you had 3 days with access to food, but after those 3 days you knew that you would not be able to eat for a whole month. Would there not be something in you that would want to eat all you possibly could those three days? But all the while knowing that even if you gorged yourself for 3 days, you would still get hungry on the 4th day. I think it could be frustrating that there is nothing you could do those days to prevent hunger later on.
This is how it is for me with friendship. I know a friend is leaving in a few days, and even if it was possible to spend every moment with her, it would really make no difference. For time with someone you enjoy is like eating, though it satisfies, in a matter of hours you feel hungry again. So even if I gorged myself so to say, with time with that other person, I would only be satisfied at the moment, only to find myself wanting more in time. Indeed we are like a leaky cup, always crying for more but never filled. Or maybe it is just me.
Why did you poke out your head?
Because now I must let you out of the beg
So she can quickly take off your head
Oh because you're better off dead
I can't have you looping in my head
Like a garble running in a wheel
That would be a taste of hell
I would be better off dead
But though your now dead, your corpses is in my head
You died pointing to what you were wanting
As if to remind my messed up head
That you still can speak though you're dead
But the grave is dug and the body will soon be laid
And the dirt will cover every memory
But the tombstone will tell the story
And I'll share it with others while in the cemetery
And I'll tell them about the other crosses there
That represent parts of me that no longer care
Who fell for others along the way
But now their dead and there they lay
But they still have something to say
About what they learned along the way
But I look forward to the day
That there is not need to remember what they say
For the first while it is a bit painful
For I can see the one I like
getting smaller as we drift
But eventually they are out of sight
And new sites catch the eyes
The water is moving
It is always moving
And I am alone in this boat
I am in this boat alone
All interaction is in passing
No one has an anchor
Everyone is drifting
Even if someone comes on board and joins me
So I will have some lasting company
It will then be the two of us together
Waving as we watch everyone else leave
But maybe this is why we get married
To have at least one who never will leave
So that once everyone else is out of sight
I have someone other them me to look at
My friendship with others is meaningful to me. I so enjoy the other's presence, humor, conversation, insights and quality of life that I selfishly want to spend tons of time with them. Yet, everyone is so overwhelmingly busy in America, especially in my age bracket. So it sometimes seems the only way I could ever get the kind of close friend I desire would be to enter into a romantic relationship. And yet I don't like that because it is so easy to become exclusive, It is horrible how people will forget all their friends once they start dating another. (Oh cannot wait for heaven, when we will no longer marry, things will be so much less complicated, I will be able to spend tons of time with friends without any worries.)
Whenever one of my friends is a girl, I am self-conscious in how much time I spend or talk with that person, because I fear sending the wrong signal, and I feel the need to withdraw. Sometimes I do develop feelings for a friend and then I really have to withdraw and I don't like that. It stinks. I feel my wanting the highest for others demands me to keep them at arms length. I feel to pursue more then I do would be selfish.
Even when the whole romantic attraction thing is not a issue, like in my friendship with other guys, I still feel I am intruding in their busy lives. I can tell they enjoy my friendship, but I still don't have anyone I feel I can call more then twice a month. So at times I really want to get married just so I can have a close friend. it seems in this day and age there is like no other way.
With most of my friends there are long periods of time when I don't get to have any communication with them. And I was thinking about how blessed I am to be able to 'sleep' during that time of absence. I notice how the teams I really enjoy, that return every year to New Orleans, it feels like they were just here yesterday when I see them again... its hard to believe a whole year went by. Its as If I saw them and went to slept for a year and when they came back, they woke me up and it felt like hardly anytime had gone by. For by and large... out of sight... out of mind and we become unconscious of the other.
So I feel bad for people who are wired to really miss people. Its like they have insomnia, they feel every moment of the others absence and every tick of the clock is heard through the night. There only hope for peace of mind is to finally fall asleep and become unconscious of the other person and then their absence won't be felt.
Now just as caffeine keeps some people from being able to fall asleep causing their mind to keep turning despite fatigue and heavy eyes. Likewise is romantic attraction and affection, it prevents us from sleep and our brain can't seem to stop running the same few thoughts around and around in the mind and every moment we can't be with them drags.
But eventually if we succeed in convincing our mind of how unreasonable we are in demanding to have the other persons constant attention. Then somehow we finally can drift off. But the problem is after we doze, if that person we love sends us a note or replies to a call, it wakes us up and we fly out of bed and after the silence returns, falling back to sleep is very hard for we're stirred up again. So sometimes once we fall asleep, we kinda would be fine being left asleep until we can have continue communication with the beloved.
Yet if we're awoken, and we get regular (even if is brief) contact with our beloved, then it makes staying up pretty easy and keeps us sane and yet still longing. But now though it is painful to stop getting interaction with that person for awhile, eventually the bliss of sleep will finally happen and when we see them next, it will be as if we're awoken and no times passed at all.
Oh the folly of my love for there is no guarantees
Why did I stir it up? I should have just let it be
Oh I should have never let myself stare at her face
For beauty is the fly that breaks the camels back
Its what pushes me past the point of return
Its the hook in the fishes mouth
Its the flaming match in the gasoline
For me it is love at first quality conversation
But beauty sure has a way of sealing the deal
Making my emotion utterly entangled
Knots that I can't seem to undo
Oh the folly of my love for there are no guarantees
Chances are she feels little or nothing at all for me
So I just wish I could sleep until that glorious day
Which will either be the day of execution
Or the day when she sets my love free
Why did you wake me only to leave?
In my grief I finally fell asleep
Finally my lonely heart was at peace
I no longer starred into space--missing you
Because you were in my dreams
The time of your absence was not felt
For every moment was absorbed into my unconscious
I wanted to just sleep until you returned
to awake to your face looking into mine
So why did you awake me only to leave?
You resurrected my hope and You reassured me
You raised my expectations only to leave me
So now I am back to waiting... aching...
Wishing that I could fall asleep again