I made a covenant
Does that mean anything to me?
I made a contract
Why don't I feel more shame
when I break it?
Its because its not sunk it yet
My faith is still not strong enough
To make You that real
You made a covenant
You made a contract
You made a promise
When we said "I do"
And though You have been faithful
From my warped perspective
You have abandoned me
And broken your side to
And oh this sure screws things up
oh must I just sit and watch
As my feet are swift to sin
And I break my promise again?
And oh this sure screws things up
oh why won't You write your laws on my heart
Its called the second covenant
Which you hold in front of my eyes
But you won't let me have
Why won't you let me have it?
When the law is outside of us
And contrary to our hearts
It just won't work
Lord it is You who said this!
Years and I'm still like water
No mater where I start
I always fall the easiest way
To the lowest parts
No matter if I go the noble way
No matter if I take others along with me
All roads lead to the same destination
All paths dead-end to the same lonesome place
This stagnant pool is getting old
Maybe I should just stop thinking
I try to pray for others
And I try to think about God
Only to blink and I find myself
Asking for what I think I am needing
Which makes my heart sink
like a par of glasses in the ocean
For I am still blind
God has yet to give me clarity
He has left me dependent and weak
And won't provide what I need
Like a boy asking his mom for a cookie
And she says no time and again
After the 20th time of asking and still no cookie
Why should he keep persisting?
But I am not asking for cookies!
I am begging God to live through me
To write His laws upon my heart
And to be my life, my will, my motivation and energy
They tell me to stop trying and start trusting
They tell me to let go and let God
I stopped trying and my life goes to pot
I let go and I fell to the depths
And yet if I try, I still get nowhere
If I hold on I am, just left hanging
So yeah I am stuck between these two options
But God has left me waiting
He is my only solutions
But it seems He is not listening
He is the only way
But He has yet removed the road blocks
He is the only truth
But He has yet let it set me free
He is the only life
But He seems reluctant to make it evident to me
Sometimes God shines upon me and I rise towards Him
Other times the water just evaporates
And all this just fades and evades my mind
Oh but one day I will no longer be like water,
And the old will disappear down the drain
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For me to not have hope, is to conclude that the whole world is desert and thus I might as well build a tent here and put a sign on it that says 'home'.
To have hope on the other hand is to continue on foot through that wasteland with lots of baggage, finding nothing but sand, except for a pleasant oasis here and there, but those respites are getting more and more rare as I continue the journey.
So far, both mean desert, living according to Christ standards seems impossible, but the alternative is to make my bed and live and die here in my desert of selfishness, stupidity, hedonism, lack of self-control, spiritually emptiness and cynicism. So I must keep walking! Oh but I am now to the point of saying to heck with walking, I need a plane, a car, a bike! Oh but He will not gift me with such graces, so I am finding myself with sore feet and no hope of getting anywhere fast.
I've been walking for so many years. Time after time God has reassured me like He reassured Abraham during those 20 years. Yes over 20 years of no evidence that God would come through with his promise that he would give him a son. For 20 years God was all talk and no action and during that time Abraham had Ishmael, lots of doubts and misconceptions. Abraham's transformation came after God came through with His promise.
For 7 years God has been all talk and no action in my life, and it is messing me up, It really is. Like Abraham said to God "Let Ishmael live before You forever!" having convinced himself that Ishmael was the fulfillment of God's promise, I am tempted to think there is nothing beyond this defeated, lukewarm life I am living, that this is just how it is.
I am becoming more and more of an outsider, I have had blind faith and no substance for so long. God will not bring lasting change, but he does change how I perceive things, He changes my perspective and everything is fine for a time, but eventually I noticed my reality is still not changing and I become a mess again. Either I am in AM or I am FM, but I have no control over the switch. At the moment my frequency cannot pickup anything spiritual. I don't feel like I know Him or have a relationship. I am feeling like it is all out of reach, that there is no way of living according to His commands, and no supernatural grace to help. It is a scary place to be and what is the worst about it all is I don't feel like there is anything I can do to change it, nothing anyone can say that can help, no prayer, no alter, no book, no message, no discipline, no external efforts. All my attempts have been in vain, all in pursuit of motivation has been as profitable as chasing a mirage.
I am not depressed, so don't worry about me. I just finally had a few melancholy moments that bought this to the surface, so I blurted it out, heck. If I am not quite sure of my state of being, it is pretty hard to escape it! I guess that is one good thing about being melancholy, analytical and down at times. Please don't worry about me, I sound dramatic, but I am still happy and all, except for the rear moments where I think this garbage.
Creating Your Own Reality