I have felt like a boy who has been given a bag of candy, but though it's his favorite, he clutches it to his chest in fear; because the last 10 times he was given candy a bully beat him up and stole it.
    When I finally come back around to the happy half of my world, I just long to stay. But years of experience have taught me that I cannot make decisions today, that will carry any weight tomorrow, for when the winds of change come, I'll be blown away to where I hate.
    But “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he” which is scary, for I really don't want this to remain my reality. Yet, I started with a pure hope in God, but my hope has been detoured countless times, causing my heart to grow sick with the disease of cynicism. Observing the past years of my life has formed the way I think today. But these thoughts are not ultimate reality and could keep me in a temporal negative reality.
      For example, lets say, a man born in the Sahara, who has seen nothing but desert and has no contact with the outside world, is told by a local about a lush green land, full of trees and abundant with life. So the man sets out on foot to find this new world. But after years of walking and searching, he has still found nothing but for a couple of refreshing oasises. Therefore, he begins to question his hope, and wonders if the whole world is indeed desert. His years of experience challenge his beliefs and begin to form a new mindset in him. But if he concludes the whole world is sand, and thus stays put; as he thinks in his heart, so will be his reality until he dies. But the truth is the world is much bigger. Maybe he needed to travel just a little bit further and everything would have been totally different.
      What I now see is my experience cannot weld too great a hold on how I think, for God's ways of dealing with us are always changing, and our seasons are always going to change. Therefore, I now know, in the future maybe my decisions will carry weight, and I may experience His motivation, willpower, ability and strength in my weakness!
How can I stop running circles?
I am going tired of the scenery
how can I stop running in circles
I am going tired of the scenery
Its all so familiar now

I once thought I was going somewhere new
But I've seen that tree a 1000 times
i am right back where I started
I once thought I was going somewhere new
But now I see the bars of my cage
I am right back where I started

Oh that I could lay down
And make my bed
in the pleasant half of my old

Why must I come back to my wasteland
and return to my vomit
In my excrement I slip
And fall face first into this pit

Oh that I could lay down
And make my bed in the pleasant half of my old
Quite often in my free time, if I don't feel like doing it, forget it! So, much of my time is wasted trying to figure out what on earth I feel like doing, which is often quite the mystery. In the mist of this process I tend to drift from the internet, to the fridge, to the guitar and hope that I don't feel the pull of addictive pass-times. I can live here for long periods of time, but eventually I get pretty miserable, I notice how I've not prayed or read the bible for months, i've not witnessed to anyone and I am getting nothing done, and the switch flips and I come to my senses. Finally, I can see who I should be and how I should spend my time, and I'm filled with hope and even a little zeal, but as I step out in the right direction, I hit a invisible brick wall and fall to the ground defeated and discouraged and end up waking up where I was before and thus the cycle continues.
So yeah, I've been stuck between these two options
Running in place or going backwards
But maybe its by God's grace I stay on the treadmill
I fall off but I step back up
I slide off but I crawl back on
I get knocked off but I drag myself back up

Maybe it is Your grace that has kept me on this leash
Though keeping me from progress
Its kept me from running to far off
Getting lost and shot my a poacher

Paul said "work out your salvation with fear and trembling
For it is God who works in you to will and to do"
So maybe it is time for me believe this
Includes my messy, short lived, scattered attempts
Because this is all I got

If the back end of the treadmill is a pit that goes down to hell
Then heck, running in place is quite a wonderful thing!
Oh but I can't say that, it would contradict verse one
About my falling off and getting back on again. Hmm...
Sometimes I notice how I need to be an evangelist and kingdom minded throughout my regular day and I really desire to be this kind of man, but then there are times when I don't care at all; and it does not even come to mind and I am perfectly content with my introverted life and living in spiritual mediocrity. But both seem to get me nowhere, even when I care and want to change and feel hopeful, my good intentions are like striking matches, and I am left discouraged. This is the context for this poem I wrote tonight:

Either I am on a treadmill
Or I am sitting in a chair
Either I am running in circles
Or I am lying in my room

Both successfully blast me nowhere
So I exist here yet another day

Wearing out my welcome
Old fish begin stink
Fiddling thumbs tell they break
These idle muscles begin to ache

Every prison break has failed
Yet I keep pacing in this cell
feeling for a loose brick in the wall
It's kept me busy several years now

So Lord here I must wait
I am not sure what to think

I am stuck between bad or worse
I am wishing for an alternative
I guess I'll climb back into the frying pan
It seems better then being engulfed in flames

Yet I am not sure which one is worse
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