FREEDOM
While I was strong I built a wall
It kept me safe, though I could hear the enemy taunt
But I grew tired of my captivity
I thought I'd tear it down, one brick at a time
One compromise and it all came crashing down
And now I am wondering, having been trampled by the enemy
Why would I tear down what protected me?
And I am standing here, having been robbed of everything
I treasured in my heart, because I longed for freedom
Freedom to look with hollow eyes at that which cannot satisfy
Freedom to let my heart be numbed; making my mind like a tomb
So my flesh could be free to do what it wants to and feast
At the cost of time, at the cost of peace, at the cost of joy and liberty And communion with You
And now I am wondering, having been trampled by my enemy
Why would I tear down what protected me
I am standing here, having been robbed of everything
I treasured in my heart, because I longed for freedom
Freedom to just exist like an animal,
to let live and go by how I feel
Freedom to remove these chains, which bind my flesh
So it can be released and do what it pleases and feast
At the cost of time, at the cost of peace,
at the cost of joy and liberty
And communion with You
I want to be a slave again, a slave to righteousness
Only then do I have liberty to do what truly makes me happy
I want to be a slave again, a slave to righteousness
Only then can I walk with You and be filled with Your fullness
I want to be a slave again, a slave to righteousness
For freedom to indulge in sin only brings hell on earth within
I want to be a slave again, a slave to righteousness
the life you give is worth the chains, it is worth the chains
Click to listen to Freedom
To be blunt, sin is stupid. If I'm in my right mind and I see things clearly, I have observed enough to know sin is never worth the cost; indeed God's commands and Thou Shalt Not"s are for our highest good. The world offers us something like a Snickers candy bar and says "why wait?" Yet it ruins our appetite for that which is good. Yet because I am hungry, at times I find I turn off my mind and refuse to think about what I am doing. Since I know it is stupid, shutting out all common sense and wisdom is the only road to a full stomach.
Too Often When I feel like this,
I flush away my day, wasting it away.
I must find something to fill this empty space. I feel a obligation to waste this time, even if it means being obsessed and absorbed in that which will be thrown away. I fast from sleep and food because meaninglessness has a way of consuming me, wetting my appetite until I drown. But what else is there for me to do now that I have unwillingly and without warning been pulled into a illusion, a land of make believe, pipe-dreams and images of perfection drawn in disappearing ink? What can I do? I have no control over the strings, I cannot budge the hand that is just too indifferent to lift my spirit out of the grave. I must wait until I am revived, until then I somehow must survive. It is like all I have to eat is Romaine noodle soup. it keeps me feeling like crap, but it fills my stomach. Maybe I should catch and eat the dove that made a nest at the top corner of my porch, but I do not feel like removing the feathers.
A Membership at the gym
Going on a diet with a friend
Buying the newest exercise machine
Swallowing 10 to 30 supplements religiously
Are all desperate attempts to find motivation
As if something external could change us within
Sure it works for a little while, uh... maybe two weeks
But it ends the same as any new year resolution
We cannot get ourselves to do what we ought
And we grasp at anything that promises to help
But accountability looses its power eventually
Commitments only bind us with a paper chain
Season of discipline last about as long as spring
Motivation stays in coma but for when God awakes it
Therefore, we look to God to free us from ourselves
And to give us the will, motivation and ability
And yet for unknown reasons
He does not seem interested
After we're left on hold for years
we tend to hangup the phone
But sometimes it clicks, and we know it
sometime our commitments carries us through
But this is only in February on the 29th day
If its not then birthed and stirs our motivation awake
Then yet another 4 years we must wait
The present has a way of snowing under past realities of God doing great things in my life. I can be absurdly unreasonable at times. I know I could be doing more... its not all Gods fault (Well, I guess technically its not his fault at all, it just seems like it is, because I feel dependent upon Him and it SEEMS he won't lift a finger to help). It still is a mystery to me how to find the willingness to do my part, I royally stink at doing what I am unwilling to do, my stench sours the stomachs of the angels.
I have felt kind of depressed all day and I think it was in part due to spewing all that garbage last night, knowing I am not quite yet to a tuning point. But I am getting more and more blessedly miserable, which gives me hope, because I can smell change in the air, I have a feeling I will soon finally die and new life will begin.
It always wakes me up when I start dabbling in the thou shalt nots. Most of the time its just the thou shalts that keep nipping at my rear. When I start becoming cozy with fleshly past-times, I start getting really uneasy with everything spiritual, which eventually starts making me feel extremely uncomfortable because of my love spirituality, desire to know God and longing to be godly.
The last several times that God has brought me back to life, I burned the ships less in the future I drifted back towards to sin when I was not paying attention. But the problems is I have not taken positive steps forward. I just swept the house and put locks on the door. Since my disciplines were never reestablished, (because I did not know how and was unwilling to try), eventually my mediocrity led to hating myself for torching the fleet and I then find myself rebuilding a boat with full intentions to sail on to another escape. I must somehow busy myself with things of the Lord, I must get disciplined somehow, so there is at least a little resistance in me when temptation comes. I have not been feeding the spirit, what else should I expect?
